Since my father died, I've been processing a grief that is recognised and supported by society. It is a totally different experience to processing the disenfranchised grief of childlessness.
I’m sorry you never got to hold your children, Henri ❤️
Thank you for this piece of writing. You have captured so well how it feels to have your losses minimised, overlooked, ignored and disputed. And the difference it makes to have your experience acknowledged and to be met where you are.
I don’t know why we question the validity of other people’s sorrow just because we don’t understand it. I have done it myself and it has been done to me countless times! Is it fear - that we are so afraid to feel any of that sorrow in ourselves that we can’t bear to witness it in another? In any case, you give good guidance on how we can change our approach.
I felt something similar in the weeks and months following my mother's death in November; how much a part of life her death was, how relatable to others, and how different that 'acceptance' felt compared to the long, hard, silent years of my childless grief. It made me realise the cost of disenfranchised grief is not just that we struggle to move through our grief, but that by being forced into silence, we are denied the shift in connections and experience around us as others show us what our grief means to them, and thus what we mean to them...
And now, 4 months after my mother's death, I find myself sitting next to my mother-in-law's bed, caring for her in her final weeks. Losing her is bringing up 'more' grief for me than losing my mother, as in many ways we are much closer. Yet the presumption from many others, who did not know the reality of my relationship with my own mother, was that "you must be devastated"... you are right, it's so important not to put the words of grief into others mouth's... nor deny their mouths the grief they need to express...
Yes. I am so sorry that you never got to know your children, Henri, even for a moment.
You depict the lost, unheld experience of disenfranchised grief so well. Thank you. Maybe you can send this into the wider world. X
I’m sorry you never got to hold your children, Henri ❤️
Thank you for this piece of writing. You have captured so well how it feels to have your losses minimised, overlooked, ignored and disputed. And the difference it makes to have your experience acknowledged and to be met where you are.
I don’t know why we question the validity of other people’s sorrow just because we don’t understand it. I have done it myself and it has been done to me countless times! Is it fear - that we are so afraid to feel any of that sorrow in ourselves that we can’t bear to witness it in another? In any case, you give good guidance on how we can change our approach.
I felt something similar in the weeks and months following my mother's death in November; how much a part of life her death was, how relatable to others, and how different that 'acceptance' felt compared to the long, hard, silent years of my childless grief. It made me realise the cost of disenfranchised grief is not just that we struggle to move through our grief, but that by being forced into silence, we are denied the shift in connections and experience around us as others show us what our grief means to them, and thus what we mean to them...
And now, 4 months after my mother's death, I find myself sitting next to my mother-in-law's bed, caring for her in her final weeks. Losing her is bringing up 'more' grief for me than losing my mother, as in many ways we are much closer. Yet the presumption from many others, who did not know the reality of my relationship with my own mother, was that "you must be devastated"... you are right, it's so important not to put the words of grief into others mouth's... nor deny their mouths the grief they need to express...
Thank you for writing this Henri xx
This is all SO TRUE, Henri. Thank you for giving such eloquent voice to these feelings, which I know so many of us share in some way!
Oh Henri
You’ve captured the whole process of grief versus disenfranchised grief perfectly.
Thank you so much for sharing such a deeply personal, captivating story of your personal journey throughout this process.
Much love xxx