Unchosen singleness, because it is not unequivocally an irrevocable loss (hence all those 'you'll meet someone one day' bingos) has a quality of what Pauline Boss termed 'Ambiguous Loss' (the presence of absence; the absence of presence) and is yet another form of grief that is 'disenfranchised' (as is childlessness).
My heart clenched with sorrow at your description of the "shame and self-loathing" you endured (and have traversed, to write this piece) as a middle aged, single, childless woman... it takes HUGE courage (and effort) to root out our internalised patriarchal disgust that only sees women's value as potentially fertile partners to continue the male line (as per the JD Vance comments recently...)
Women are so much more than their reproductive identity, whether they are non-mothers or mothers and I'm excited to see what other gifts your keen intelligence and sensibility will offer the world...
And I send you, and the beloved unborn children that live only in your heart, my love. I see them; I see you. xxx
Thank you Jody, you're right about how much courage it takes - that is, for me, one of the gifts of this journey.... discovering my courage. I suspect that may be the same for you and for so many of us who walk this path! xx
This is a tender articulation of your own witnessing… it feels so raw but so stable at the same time.. I find the braid motif is not just a really useful visual for the striated grief experience, but it weaves compassion right through your story…. I feel deeply loved reading this, because I can sense the deep love you are gifting yourself in writing it… thankyou. Grief is enormous, and this helps xx
Thank you for the raw honesty of this blog. Those of us childless not by choice needed to read this today, when Mr Vance’s cruel ‘childless cat ladies’ remark is trending globally. Lovely to see you back! ❤️
Thanks Henri. You've included so much of our experience as single, childless women, even though our contexts are all different, as you say clearly. I love your image of the braid, and your development of the 'grass is always greener..' metaphor. And I love the quiet strength and patience of your reminder to the 'bingo callers' that you are familiar with the grass others walk on, and the grass on which you walk every day.
I wrote about the parallels between Pauline Boss' 'Ambiguous Loss' and unchosen singleness in my book, and mention a really important paper on the topic by Jeffrey B. Jackson you might want to check out: "The Ambiguous Loss of Singlehood: Conceptualizing and Treating Singlehood Ambiguous Loss Among Never-Married Adults" In: Contemporary Family Therapy, 10 January 2018, Volume 40, pages 210–222, (2018) https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10591-018-9455-0
This hits home! Partnerless now. Lost our children too. Too old maybe to try to have them later. I can feel the emotions, rawness in this article. I’m very sad for you. We bond in this grief and wretched heartbreak.
Thank you for reading and commenting, and also I wanted to acknowledge your losses too, and how much grief I imagine you carry, with all three strands of love, attachment and identity at play. x
Hello, dear Henri. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this beautiful piece. As Tirion says above it is ‘..a tender articulation…raw and stable at the same time’
Henri, I see, hear and witness you. Am walking with you on my own ( not dissimilar ) journey. Thank you again.x
Unchosen singleness, because it is not unequivocally an irrevocable loss (hence all those 'you'll meet someone one day' bingos) has a quality of what Pauline Boss termed 'Ambiguous Loss' (the presence of absence; the absence of presence) and is yet another form of grief that is 'disenfranchised' (as is childlessness).
My heart clenched with sorrow at your description of the "shame and self-loathing" you endured (and have traversed, to write this piece) as a middle aged, single, childless woman... it takes HUGE courage (and effort) to root out our internalised patriarchal disgust that only sees women's value as potentially fertile partners to continue the male line (as per the JD Vance comments recently...)
Women are so much more than their reproductive identity, whether they are non-mothers or mothers and I'm excited to see what other gifts your keen intelligence and sensibility will offer the world...
And I send you, and the beloved unborn children that live only in your heart, my love. I see them; I see you. xxx
Thank you Jody, you're right about how much courage it takes - that is, for me, one of the gifts of this journey.... discovering my courage. I suspect that may be the same for you and for so many of us who walk this path! xx
This is a tender articulation of your own witnessing… it feels so raw but so stable at the same time.. I find the braid motif is not just a really useful visual for the striated grief experience, but it weaves compassion right through your story…. I feel deeply loved reading this, because I can sense the deep love you are gifting yourself in writing it… thankyou. Grief is enormous, and this helps xx
Thank you for the raw honesty of this blog. Those of us childless not by choice needed to read this today, when Mr Vance’s cruel ‘childless cat ladies’ remark is trending globally. Lovely to see you back! ❤️
Thanks Henri. You've included so much of our experience as single, childless women, even though our contexts are all different, as you say clearly. I love your image of the braid, and your development of the 'grass is always greener..' metaphor. And I love the quiet strength and patience of your reminder to the 'bingo callers' that you are familiar with the grass others walk on, and the grass on which you walk every day.
Thank you for this powerful piece. You have named the enormity of this loss with such accuracy...
Thank you. This helps me identify what I am feeling and feel less alone in the same grief. I look forward to your next newsletter.
I wrote about the parallels between Pauline Boss' 'Ambiguous Loss' and unchosen singleness in my book, and mention a really important paper on the topic by Jeffrey B. Jackson you might want to check out: "The Ambiguous Loss of Singlehood: Conceptualizing and Treating Singlehood Ambiguous Loss Among Never-Married Adults" In: Contemporary Family Therapy, 10 January 2018, Volume 40, pages 210–222, (2018) https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10591-018-9455-0
This hits home! Partnerless now. Lost our children too. Too old maybe to try to have them later. I can feel the emotions, rawness in this article. I’m very sad for you. We bond in this grief and wretched heartbreak.
Thank you for reading and commenting, and also I wanted to acknowledge your losses too, and how much grief I imagine you carry, with all three strands of love, attachment and identity at play. x
Hello, dear Henri. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this beautiful piece. As Tirion says above it is ‘..a tender articulation…raw and stable at the same time’
Henri, I see, hear and witness you. Am walking with you on my own ( not dissimilar ) journey. Thank you again.x